John Kerry:
In a world where climate change is the villain, John Kerry emerges from the shadows (or rather, the luxurious confines of his private jet) as the Green Superhero. With his cape made of recycled materials and his mask crafted from biodegradable bamboo fibers, Kerry is on a mission to save the planet, one coal plant at a time.
As he steps onto Chinese soil, the wind dramatically ruffling his eco-friendly cape, Kerry is ready. He's here to convince China, the world's most prolific coal enthusiast, to turn over a new, greener leaf. But as he strides confidently into the heart of Beijing, one can't help but wonder if he's walked into the wrong movie set.
China, after all, has been on a coal binge. With a 12% increase in emissions from 2015-2022 and a whopping 306 coal plants in the pipeline, it's like they're trying to set a new world record. And not the kind Green Superhero Kerry would approve of.
But Kerry, with the optimism only a superhero can muster, believes he can change their ways. He's here to talk methane cuts, coal reductions, and a greener future. The Chinese officials, perhaps stifling their chuckles, entertain his proposals. After all, who can resist a man in a cape?
As Kerry passionately speaks of a world where coal is a relic of the past, China nods along. "Did we mention our record coal production in 2022?" they interject, almost innocently. "Or the 113 GW of new coal power capacity we've added?" It's like they're showing off their collection of Infinity Stones, and coal is their favorite.
Hoping to find an ally, Kerry seeks an audience with Xi Jinping. But Xi, perhaps too busy overseeing the construction of yet another coal mine, sends his regrets. Instead, he leaves a note: "Thanks for the visit, Green Superhero. Let's chat in 2030 when our emissions peak. P.S. Love the cape."
Kerry, undeterred, continues his quest. He believes that climate should stand alone, not be muddled with other diplomatic issues. But China's Wang Yi, with a twinkle in his eye, suggests a combo deal. A little climate promise here, a few U.S. concessions there. It's like Black Friday, but for diplomacy.
As our Green Superhero prepares to depart, boarding his not-so-green private jet, one can't help but admire his tenacity. In a world where coal is king, Kerry stands alone, cape billowing, ready to fight another day. But as the jet's engines roar to life, spewing emissions, the irony is almost too much to bear.